he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
