Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
