My sheets look like a crime scene.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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