and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
