Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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