I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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