listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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