I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
