When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
The uberlube is also flammable
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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