If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize