The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
