I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Sext me about skeletons
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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