just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Two words: blizzard sex
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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