I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
