peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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