I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Let's paint friendship bongs
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
