why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
