I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
