I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
