Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
