If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
