I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
