That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize