Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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