Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
ttyl tear gas
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
