And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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