No stitches, just platelets and will power
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
