The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Randomize
