Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
