i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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