She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize