I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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