When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
