u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
being pregnant is like rehab
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
