So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
