if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
