The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
