Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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