i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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