Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
