birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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