i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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