Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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