Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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