the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
