guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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