whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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