never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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