i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my sisters under your porch take her home
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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