He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
You can't motorboat a personality
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
