moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
