I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
