Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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