If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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