hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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