i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
