just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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