When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
