I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
