My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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