I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
